Lately I don't really know what's up with me, but I'm starting to get a lot more "thinky" late at night. I don't know if it's just because I'm alone and my mind just starts to wander, or what, but it's happening, a lot. And I just really want a friend to chat these things that I'm thinking over with, but I don't really have anyone. It kinda sucks not really having any close friends, I miss that. It's probably the only thing I miss about high school, the friendships I had. It just seems like we all don't have time for one another anymore, and we've all changed and grown and we just aren't that alike anymore. Then again there are some people who have purposely taken themselves out of it, like Hayley and Nicole. Then again, I wasn't super close with those two, they always kept their cards close to their chests. Anyways... I'm getting a little off topic here.

I wrote to Travis again. I didn't really have anything important to say, just basically letting him know that I'll be back up in St Cloud in two weeks and that I'll start working at B&N again, and that I'll hopefully see him soon. I guess I haven't thought that much about him for the past month or so, and I haven't really heard anything from him since June, so I just kind of moved on in my thoughts, but I think now that it's getting closer to September, I've definitely been missing him a bit more. I am really looking forward to seeing him, and talking to him and stuff. I really missed that the most I think, we always had really good conversations, and he is always so easy to talk to, and he seems interested in what I have to say, and he understands me. It's such a change from Nick, who never wanted to talk, it was like pulling teeth. I really like that about Travis, just how personable he is, and how un like Nick he is. Which is probably the right direction for me to be going. I need to stay away from the Nick and Marti's of the world. I've made that mistake twice now, and I really don't want to make that mistake again. Though, I may still, they seem to be the type of guy that I go for. Though, Travis doesn't really seem that way, but then I don't know him that well yet, and I didn't think that Nick and Marti were that way when I first met them either.

But, I kind of have conflicting feelings about Travis. On one hand I would really like to start something up with him and have some fun, and on the other hand I don't because I know I'm going to be leaving for Australia in 5 months, and I don't think it's fair to him or me to start something now that won't go on for very long. I don't want to go to Aus attached to someone, because I never know who I may meet there and I don't want to feel guilty for anything that may end up happening.

But then I'm just so sick of being single, and i honestly just want to be close to someone again. I miss that. I want to kiss and cuddle someone, and frankly I just need a good make out session right now. It's been far too long since I've had that. And once you used to get it reguarly it's hard to go on for so long without any sort of physical contact with someone.

I don't know what to do right now. I can't make up my mind. Maybe I could just have like a light fun thing with Travis, that is if he wants it, and then just be like thanks but I'm off to Australia, see you in 9 months. But, I'm afraid to get involved with someone because I tend to fall really fast for people, and I can't stand to be away from them when I get to that point. I don't know what I would do if I fell for Trav and then had to leave him for 6 months. And I wouldn't want him to have to go through that either.

God, this who growing up thing and having relationships and stuff is so more complex and confusing than people let on. I wish I could have all the answers right now, and frankly I wish I could talk to Trav about what he thinks and feels about all this, but I know that won't happen. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it for a couple more weeks, and then finally I may have my answer. I hope.